Thursday, August 2, 2007

I have a date

Well, technicially...let me explain.

I moved to the D.C. area around June 20th. Since then, I have added approximately 0 (read: exactly 0) single girl's phone numbers to my cell phone contacts. I did get one girl's number, and address, and home address, and e-mail. But don't get excited, she wanted the $25 from Bank of America for referring me and I needed to bring her info in.

Tonight, I have a date, who cannot resist me. Mainly because she cannot resist the "back" button of my web browser. I have a date with a girl named Ariane. She's probably about 28 and lives on the internet and was written in very shaky JavaScript....but I'm a sucker for damaged goods. Let's begin.

Here I just make a simple introduction. It's the only option, so I can't fuck it up.

Oh hey, I can say something funny. Let's click on that.

Of course.

Let's try this again. I'm going to say something totally hilarious, like usual.

I told a dick joke. It seems to have gone over well. Let's try a compliment.

Oh she wants to kiss but my mind is elsewhere...her gigantic cans to be specific. We'll play it safe and go for the kiss instead of a titty grab right off the bat.

I am a gentleman, that's what I'm always telling everyone. Thanks fake internet date! But...what the fuck? Sadly I am 5 years over 18 and this is kind of turning me on.

Now we're cooking. The half open lizard eyes are kind of off putting, but a dry spell is a dry spell and I need to break that shit off son.

She wants to dance. We'll go with Rock to start off, because I'm praying it's a Def Leppard song and she's going to strip.

She employs some dancing moves from 1962. I'm not impressed. And she's still wearing her top.

Agreed. Agreed. Agreed. Hungry? I feel my wallet shrinking.

Oh awesome, apparently we're having a brick of cocaine for dinner.

Fast forward. She drank a bunch of wine that I probably should have drugged and now has to take a piss. I'll wait in the hall and smell some clothes hanging in her closet.

But I'm not. I think I win. If only I could take a bra off without the girl's help.

At this point I left my laptop on the couch and went back to my bedroom to...ummm...make a phonecall. I later returned, much more reserved and calm, and hit the back button. I'll be damned if she's going to chug all the wine and leave me sober and blue balled.

I use the back button and try again.

I'm feeling pretty, um, "romantic" too after smashing on that magnum of wine.

Ariane is apparently stupid as hell. I suggested we get in the hot tub so she jumped in fully clothed.

YES! More importantly, I don't feel like messing with those knots. Take it off boo.

No, let's cuddle under the stars (NOTE: I actually really do like cuddling under the stars). Put 'em on the glass already.

WTF? What's with all these rules? Good diving form in any event.

Fast forward through some really boring and platonic swimming. I should have faked drowning to get some tongue during resuscitation.

I'm just going to take one guess where this is going.

NNNOOOOWWWHHHHHEEERRRRREEEE. As usual. Virtual reality indeed.

Well, I didn't get laid, but I did get a 7 out of 10, and little does she know that I finished the job myself all over her stupid boombox after she passed out. Good luck tuning FM stations, Ariane.

In other news, the Nats swept the Reds and good christ I'm kind of turned on from looking at these pics again.


McBain said...

Absolutely hilarious. Keep up the good work, guys.

Munks said...

Ariane is such a freaking hard ass. I'm always soooo close to getting her in the bed. I was even at the point where she said I could stay the night but when I tried to get in her bed she's all "Sorry, I'd be more comfortable if you'd sleep on the couch. Here's a pillow" She's a tough chick.

Anonymous said...

Hello everyone! Who knows where to upload the film Avatar?
I even bought the film Avatar for a SMS to , the link was, but download fails, the system will boot quite strange cocoa something.
Men, advise where to normal as quickly download film avatar?

Anonymous said...

I sell a boat-program which will help you to outwit auction and to win, initially the boat was created for the Scandinavian auction but now the program can work with similar auctions: gagen ru, vezetmne ru and with ten.
The program-boat stakes for you, i.e. for this purpose it is not necessary to sit constantly at the monitor. The boat can set time when it is necessary to stake, thus you as much as possible will lower expenses for rates, and as much as possible increase the chances of a victory.

The price of the program a boat for the Scandinavian auctions 20$

For the first 10 clients the price 15$

To all clients free updating and support.

Behind purchases I ask in icq: 588889590 Max.

Anonymous said...

[b]Set software LoveBots v 5.2[/b]

All for a mass mailing dating

The script is written in php5


[i]registration, account activation
manual input captures, or the solution through antikapchu
filling data accounts:
- Gulf desired photo
- Инфы about yourself
- Diary
- Sexual preference[/i]

gulyalka on questionnaires spammer on lichku
- Randomization Posts: replacement of Russian letters in Latin analogues

optimized to work in a continuous loop
check-activation-filling-spam check ..

Updates and support free of charge.

Price per set 100 wmz

For the first 10 buyers price 70 wmz (your feedback on the software).

For shopping I ask in icq: 588889590 Max.

Scrin program:




Flooding in the subject no! Write to feedback after the purchase.

Anonymous said...

I was able to find good information from your blog posts.

Feel free to visit my webpage ... glutenfreies brot
My page :: Wie kann man sich die erfolgreiche und ausgesprochen einfache Ernährung ohne Weizen vorstellen

Anonymous said...

I used to be suggested this web site via my cousin. I am not positive whether or not
this put up is written via him as nobody else understand such special approximately my trouble.
You are incredible! Thanks!

my web site: sprachkurs französisch hamburg
my web site ::

Anonymous said...

Heya i am for the primary time here. I found
this board and I to find It really useful & it helped me out
a lot. I hope to offer one thing again and help others such as you helped me.

Feel free to visit my site ... wordpress premium blog themes

Anonymous said...

Hi! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with Search Engine
Optimization? I'm trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I'm not seeing
very good gains. If you know of any please share.
Many thanks!

Feel free to surf to my web blog
Also see my page: quinoa low carb

Anonymous said...

I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did
you design this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you?

Plz reply as I'm looking to design my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. thanks

Feel free to visit my page - paläo diät

Anonymous said...

Hi there! Quick question that's completely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My site looks weird when browsing from my iphone4. I'm trying to find a
template or plugin that might be able to resolve this
problem. If you have any recommendations, please share. Appreciate it!

Feel free to surf to my blog post ... low carb fertiggerichte

Anonymous said... - Learn how to turn $500 into $5,000 in a month!

[url=]Make Money Online[/url] - The Secret Reveled with Binary Option

Binary Options is the way to [url=]make money[/url] securely online

Anonymous said...

Nice post. I learn something new and challenging on websites I stumbleupon every day.
It's always helpful to read content from other writers and practice something from other websites.

Here is my web blog ... einführung wordpress deutsch

Anonymous said...

Hello! I'm at work surfing around your blog from my new apple iphone! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Keep up the fantastic work!

Also visit my blog post ... japanisch kurs hamburg

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure where you are getting your information, but great topic. I needs to spend some time learning much more or understanding more. Thanks for magnificent information I was looking for this information for my mission.

Here is my web page ... Zöliakie Diät

Anonymous said...

Pretty part of content. I simply stumbled upon your web site and in accession capital to
say that I get in fact loved account your
blog posts. Any way I'll be subscribing to your augment or even I fulfillment you access persistently quickly.

Feel free to surf to my weblog - paleo kartoffeln

Anonymous said...

After I initially commented I appear to have clicked on the
-Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now whenever a comment is added
I get 4 emails with the same comment. Perhaps there is an easy
method you can remove me from that service? Cheers!

my webpage essen wie die neandertaler
Also see my web page > paläodiät

Anonymous said...

Attractive component of content. I just stumbled upon your web site and in accession capital to claim that I acquire in fact enjoyed account your blog posts.
Any way I'll be subscribing in your feeds or even I fulfillment you get entry to consistently fast.

Stop by my page beste zeit für frühstück mittagessen abendessen

Anonymous said...

At this moment I am ready to do my breakfast, later than having my breakfast coming over again to read more news.

Also visit my blog; Steinzeit-Diät Erfahrungen

Anonymous said...

Remarkable! Its really remarkable piece of writing, I have got
much clear idea about from this paragraph.

Here is my weblog - paläo diät
Also see my web site :: diet meals

Anonymous said...

We absolutely love your blog and find most of your post's to be exactly what I'm looking for.
can you offer guest writers to write content to suit your needs?
I wouldn't mind creating a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write about here. Again, awesome web log!

Here is my website :: schnell leicht abnehmen

Anonymous said...

Hi there, You've done a great job. I'll definitely digg it and personally recommend to my friends.
I'm confident they'll be benefited from this website.

Also visit my blog ... steuerberatung in wiesbaden

Anonymous said...

Keep on working, great job!

Feel free to visit my web blog :: wordpress tricks

Welcome. Grab something to read. The seat is nice and warm...

This is the Pre-Game Dump, where our need to babble about sports and shit that bothers us aggregates on a daily basis. Feel free to drop us a friendly line or scathing hate mail: