Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Back at it

Ah, road trips. The one thing I've noticed about long drives is that it's always much, much worse on the return trip because you have a good idea of just how far you have to go. This weekend I drove from the D.C. area up just north of NYC.

It started raining on the NJ Turnpike (thanks New Jersey, you really need to make all of I-95 a toll road, no wonder everyone hates your stupid fucking state)...........so everyone decided to go 45mph. This is ingenious. Such actions will clearly avoid accidents, because dropping 30mph into traffic in the rain is just a great idea. IT'S WATER YOU MORONS. It's not ice. You can drive in it. I have unearthly shitty tires and I can do 70-75 in the rain just fine. To boot, a semi and pickup towing a U-Haul trailer paced each other side by side for a good 20 miles, going probably about 40...I was stuck not able to pass these assholes for at least 30 minutes. Made me wish I had a machine gun.

Related story, I've derived a few rules of the road from my various lengthy excursions across the greater Eastern half of this "awesome" country. Here are some that hold pretty fast no matter the occasion:

1) If you are stuck in slow moving or stopped traffic, you probably will have to take a piss.
2) The cruise control is not a convenient piece of automotive technology. It's a device consumed with ethereal forces and it acts as some kind of gigantic magnet which attracts the nearest dickhead wanting to go 10mph slower than you do to switch into lanes right in front of you.
3) Nobody has the slightest clue how to use on-ramps. THEY'RE TO GAIN SPEED YOU RETARDS. Do not go 35mph onto an expressway. If you do this you are a waste of flesh. If you do this I hope you're at least smart enough not to reproduce; at best you'll just kill yourself when you realize how unfathomably stupid you are.
4) Toll booth operators are never hot.

Amazingly, one of these rules was broken this weekend. No, it wasn't #3, because I almost ran this dumbass lady over who refused to even reasonably approach the speed limit using the on-ramp.

It was, to my surprise, #4. Yes, I said it: I would throw it in a girl who works at a toll booth. The Delaware bridge on I-95 had a hot toll booth operator...at 12:30am on a Monday morning no less. I swear to I'm not making this up. If I was making this up I'd say she gave me an HJ through the toll booth window, which would be no small feat given the dimensions of toll booth and compact car windows.

In other, completely unrelated news, the EPL season is officially under way. Sunderland bested Tottenham 1-0, which is hilarious given that Tottenham couldn't manage to find a goal with the strikers they've got employed.

Newcastle trounced Bolton 3-1 on the back of a pair of goals from Oba Martins, including an incredible overhead bicycle kick (did I not say this guy was awesome).

Martin Petrov and Bojinov both played excellent and Manchester City won 2-0.

Florent Malouda scored in his first EPL league game and Fernando Torres had a bunch of shots for Liverpool.

I don't like to toot my own horn all that often but I'm pretty sure I mentioned all these dudes a few posts back. God I'm good.

And LOL @ Man U...who tied 0-0 with Reading. And Rooney is out for 2 months. Better hope Tevez was worth it.

1 comment:

Braun said...

Chelsea will take the BPL by 9 points. Write that down.

Welcome. Grab something to read. The seat is nice and warm...

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