Which of these is not like the other?

A) Sealab 2020
B) The lost city of Atlantis
C) The Titanic wreckage
D) New Orleans

The correct answer is, somehow, D.

A, B, and C are all underwater. But 2 years ago this would have been a confusing question, as the city of New Orleans was finally hit (nay, raped) by a hurricane severe enough to make everyone who was in line when brains were passed out realize it was incredibly dumb to build a city under sea level on the gulf coast. I mean, it's literally underwater - like Eindhoven with a death wish.

Regardless of your feelings on the horrible mismanagement of the situation or your faith-based reason for why it happened (a guy outside a UDF in Dayton once told me it was God punishing the gays...uhh, right), the Superdome re-opening was a huge deal. Around this time last year it was transmogrified from a shitty domed homeless shelter into a shitty domed football stadium, and Michael Vick took some time off from dog fighting to make the trip with the Falcons.

It was the first possession of the game on Monday Night Football when this happened:

If you're any kind of sports fan and understand the implications of that game, there's no way this doesn't still give you chills to this day. That roar sounded loud coming out of my shitty old TV...I can't even imagine what it sounded like as part of the crowd. I don't think that pro football will ever be able to emulate or replicate the pure passion of college football crowds, but this is definitely as close as it gets.

Also Princess Diana died 10 years ago around this time. I didn't really care then and I can't see why I'd care now. She wasn't even hot.

And I thought I was dumb

The dump is back and hopefully for good. A big fuck off to actually doing work at our full time jobs. There's nothing like being the new guy on the project only to have 2 people on your team take week-long vacations every week for the entire month. I guess it's what they're paying me for but something is...a BIT off when I'm actually almost out of breath by 10:30am and I haven't left the chair in 2 hours.






The preceding video, sent to me by my recently engaged UIUC buddy Jerry, has absolutely nothing to do with sports. It has to do with the following, at least in part:

1) extra chromosomes
2) Aimee Teegarden (<3)
3) Iraq, South Africa, maps, education (to some degree)

The answer this girl spits out is almost unimaginable. It is entirely unintelligible, and I've watched it 6 times and I couldn't begin to tell you what the fuck this chick is actually trying to say. Also, I could be wrong, but aren't you allowed to ask for a minute before responding to these on-the-spot questions? She just fires out the most nonsensical bullshit I've ever heard (well, at least the most nonsensical bullshit I've ever heard that didn't come out of my mouth).

Honestly, if this girl is actually this dumb in any arena of life, she'd be better off as a corpse. I realize she's on the spot but she could have said or done anything...I mean she probably could have grabbed the presenter's crotch or farted into the mic and it would not be as disastrous as her quasi-lecture about maps and the Iraqi/South African cold war or whatever the fuck.

A few things of note in the sports world:

- That NBA player from the Wolves who got caught churning the butter in his car while watching porn in like a Kroger parking lot a few years ago got run over by a train and had to be identified by dental records. OUCH.

- College football starts this Saturday. As I've already remarked to Braun my boner is as big as it will get for college football (or any woman) today. I can't wait for that special release on Saturday morning.

- Man U finally got a home win. You know they are hurting when Chris Eagles sees SIGNIFICANT playing time. Tevez was utterly worthless and I would have liked to see Dong play...partly because he's supposedly some Chinese team phenom, but mostly because his name is DONG. As usual the ref's whistle was nowhere to be found on a glaring Man U handball in the penalty box...amazing how frequently that happens at Old Trafford.

- The USA men's basketball team appears to have removed its collective head from its collective ass. Not only did they bring SHOOTERS to the FIBA tournament (good Christ, I'm not basketball genius and I realize that when Carmello Anthony was our start 3 point specialist last time around that we were FUCKED) in Mike Miller and Michael Redd, but they absolutely raped every team they have faced so far. Good job boys.

- The USA Men's U-17 soccer team did not fair so well. Somehow we qualified for the elimination round in the U-17 World Cup, but we lost to Tunisia and Tajikistan. We lost to two countries who are like the answers to bonus questions at an 8th grade spelling bee, or the 2nd and 3rd answers to "where would you never ever want to live" (the 1st is Louisiana).

Last year, the Detroit Tigers showed what free agency, good health, and some home grown talent can do for you. This year all of those have backfired and they're going to struggle to make the playoffs despite the efforts of superhuman Curtis Granderson. If you were to re-pick All-Stars at this point, IMO (and I know it's a bit of a homer pick), this guy should be 2nd to maybe only A-Rod in the AL voting. Somebody please beat these stupid AL West teams so we can at least get the wildcard.

NFL Preview Part Deux: AFC South

And...we're back. Our sincerest apologies to our tens of loyal readers. We've been lazy bastards this week. Who would have guessed that we'd actually have to do work at our jobs? In any event, it's time for more NFL dumpage--AFC South style.

1.) Indianapolis Colts (12-4)

Ok, so the defending Super Bowl champs lost both starting corners in free agency and stud LT Tarik Glenn to retirement. Big deal. They have Marlin Jackson and Kelvin Hayden ready to step in at CB, and rookie T Tony Ugoh is more than capable of protecting Peyton's blindside in Glenn's absence. The Colts offense will be as potent as ever, with rookie WR Anthony Gonzalez as a sleeper Offensive Rookie of the Year candidate. The guy has busted his ass this summer working to get on the same page as Manning, and is going to be deadly in the slot. With RB Joseph Addai primed for a breakout season, the Colts are going to score more than enough points to make up for any defensive liabilities. We'll see what happens when they get to the postseason. Last year, their much maligned D stepped up big time, and they took home the Lombardi trophy. I'm not predicting a repeat of that performance, but they are still the class of this division. They should cruise to a top 3 or 4 seed in the playoffs, and after that, all bets are off. I've accepted the fact that Peyton Manning is going to break most of Dan Marino's passing records. I've also accepted the fact that he has now won a championship, something that Marino never managed to do. These two facts make me very, very bitter, and I will never concede that Manning is a better QB than Marino in his prime. I won't. I can't. But he is the best QB playing today, and he's going to take the Colts deep into the playoffs once again.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars (10-6)

Over the past few seasons, the Jags have quietly put together one of the top defenses in the NFL. They are a young, fast and nasty group who have gotten better year by year. This year they will continue to establish themselves as a top-5 unit, but it's going to be on the Offense to get this team to the playoffs. Jack Del Rio has handled his QB situation pretty poorly of late, fueding with Byron Leftwich, finding out that David Garrard isn't all that good and flirting with signing Daunte Culpepper. I'm a big Leftwich fan, and feel that given a little time to develop chemistry with a talented but extremely raw set of receievers, he could put up big time numbers. RB Maurice Jones-Drew was a revelation last year--he and a healthy Fred Taylor could make for a devastating 1-2 punch on the ground. I like the Jags quite a bit this year. They'll experience some growing pains on offense early in the season as Leftwich gets back up to speed, but if WR's Matt Jones, Ernest Wilford and Reggie Williams can live up to their massive potential, the Jags will feature a deadly combination of defensive intensity and offensive firepower. They might still be a year away, especially in the loaded AFC, but they are close. Unfortunately for Del Rio, this might be a make or break year. Jacksonville's dozens of fans are in for an exciting season.

3) Houston Texans (7-9)

I really don't know what to expect from the Texans this year. Their fans sure as shit haven't had much to cheer about since the team's inception. From David Carr being demolished to passing on Reggie Bush in the draft, it's been a rough few years. Enter the hope of salvation in the form of QB Matt Schaub. Ookie's former backup has been one of the most highly valued second string QB's in the NFL for the past few seasons. The Texans gave up a bunch of draft picks and threw a ton of money at Schaub, who is largely untested in the NFL. Well, he's going to be tested this year. The O-Line is still shaky at best, and the offense is devoid of weapons outside of WR Andre Johnson. Long, long season in store for young Mr. Schaub. He's going to be a good one eventually, but Texans fans looking for a miracle are going to be disapointed. Luckily, they've grown used to that down in Houston. Defensively, the Texans actually figure to be pretty good. Dunta Robinson is an up and coming shutdown corner, LB DeMeco Ryans might have been the steal of last year's draft, and DE Mario Williams is still a physical specimen. The question will be whether he can learn to play his position or not. Amobi Okeye could very well develop into the best DT in the league, and he's only 19 years old. So things are looking up in Houston. They still need a viable answer at RB--because it sure as shit is not Ahman Green. He'll be on IR by week 6. Schaub will show flashes this season, but the Texans are a year or two away from making any serious noise in the division.


4. Tennesse Titans (5-11)

When Bill Cowher retired, he made the Jeff Fisher the longest tenured active NFL coach. Fisher has been roaming the Titans' sideline for 13 seasons now. Last year was one of his most impressive seasons, as he somehow got 8 wins out of a decidedly mediocre roster. QB Vince Young is going to be a good one, but I think he'll regress a little this year. Teams will be able to completely gameplan against him, especially since he has total scrubs at WR. The offensive line is young and talented, which will help Young escape a complete beating this season. RB LenDale White is still tubby and apparently unmotivated. I really thought that guy was going to be a stud coming out of USC, but he has been a bust so far. If he steps up, the Titans' chances at a decent season will be bolstered considerably. Of course, Tennessee will greatly miss Pac Man Jones in their defensive backfield and on special teams. For all his bullshit, the guy is a phenomenal cover corner. Rookie DB Michael Griffin will be expected to help pick up the slack, but he might be playing out of position, as it isn't quite clear whether he is going to end up as a CB or a Safety. Fisher has always gotten an amazing amount of mileage out of the talent he is given to work with. For the Titans to go .500 this year, he'll have to do his best coaching job to date. Fisher is one of the best in the game, but it's too tall an order this year. I will say this-with a promising young QB and Fisher on the sidelines, the Titans are one solid offseason from jumping right back into AFC contention. This is a good franchise with a lot of pride, and I expect just that. Keep an eye towards 2008 as you take your lumps this year, Titans fans.

Hump Day Dump

Not a whole lot of dump this morning. There is more expert NFL analysis coming later today however, so we've got that going for us, which is nice.

Mike Vick. Done. His buddies are pleading guilty and he might be about to do the same. Interestingly enough, if he makes a deal now and can serve under a year in jail, Ookie might actually be able to salvage his playing career. There are plenty of guys who have screwed up big time and made it back to play. If he does things right and serves his time quietly, promises to do an ass load of community service and accepts whatever punishment the NFL hands down (2 year suspension?) he is still young enough that he might be able to play another few years when he comes back.

Good stuff here from our boys over at Sports Hustle. Must read for baseball fans. I for one, am pulling for the Brew Crew in the NL Central. My erstwhile cousin, Ryan Braun is a lock for Rookie of the Year at this point, right? I think he's going to have no problem beating out Thomas Ian Nicholas for the award. (Sports Hustle)

John Rauch uncharacteristically took a shit on the mound last night, giving up 2 runs in the 8th as the Nats dropped the opener of their homestand to the Phillies, 3-2. Fuck. Not a good way to start the week. Still, Rauch has been mostly dominant in relief this year, so we have to cut him a little slack. Go Nats.

Didn't get to play too much Madden 2008 yesterday, unfortunately, but I like what I see so far. Ted Ginn is rocking 98 speed, 99 acceleration and 99 agility. He's got one kickoff returned for TD under his belt and many, many more to come. Feel free to post comments/thoughts about the new Madden.

More NFL preview action later today.

2007 NFL Division Previews and bad predictions: NFC South

Well, we are getting damn close to the start of the NFL regular season. Preseason is underway, Madden 2008 has shipped and Brady Quinn is 4th on the Browns depth chart. In honor of Ookie Vick's impending plea deal and subsequent banishment from pro football, we are going to start our NFL preview in the NFC South. We'll say something about each each team, offer up a projected record that is sure to be wrong and try to predict the order they'll finish in. It's our first crack at something like this and we are writing off the top of our heads. Any overlap between our analysis and other shit floating out there on the internets is purely coincidental.

NFC South

1. Carolina Panthers (11-5)

Two years removed from a trip to the NFC Championship game, the window is closing for John Fox and the Panthers. What was once the best Defensive Line in football is a shell of its former self, while Jake Delhomme is coming off of a shitty year. The guy who was Charlotte's favorite gunslinger has to improve his decision making, and he has to get Steve Smith the ball more often. Smith is too good not to be putting up monster numbers every year. The Panthers have a talented running back duo in DeAngelo Williams and DeShaun Foster. If they can both stay healthy, the Panthers should feature a potent rushing attack. David Carr was brought in to back up Delhomme, and ostensibly push him, but look for Delhomme to hang on to the job for dear life this year. The O-Line isn't great, but rookie C Ryan Kalil was a great addition and will anchor the unit for years to come. On paper, the Panthers are the most complete team in this division, and a legitimate contender for the NFC Championship this year. I think they'll have just enough to hold off the Saints for the division title, and will be a tough out come January.


2. New Orleans Saints (10-6)

The 2006 New Orleans Saints were the feel good story of the NFL season. Defying all expectations, the Saints made their first trip to the NFC Championship game, and gave the Bears all they could handle for 3 quarters. This year, the expectations are sky high down in Nawlins. Head coach Sean Payton is one of the best in the business, and the offense is loaded with talent. QB Drew Brees, stud RB Deuce McCallister, and 2006 rookie sensations Marques Colston and Reggie Bush give the Saints some serious firepower. They are going to score a ton of points. The big question mark is the D. Charles Grant and Will Smith anchor a solid D-Line and the Saints should be tough against the run. That secondary is a big concern, however, and will cost them some games. Reggie Bush is going to absolutely explode this year, as he learns to run more effectively. I'd be surprised if he caught 100 balls again, but he should rush for well over 1,000 and be a threat to score from anywhere on the field. Brees will be damn good again, especially if rookie WR Robert Meachem develops into a viable thret opposite Colston. If does, the Saints will be absolutely stacked with young talent at the skill positions and in a position to dominate this division in the coming years. As it stands, they aren't going to surprise anyone this year. I give them 10-6 and a wild card berth. Like last year, they are going to be dangerous in the playoffs, especially in the weak NFC.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11)

After Chris Simms's appendix exploded last year, and the Polish Rifle Bruce Gradkowski didn't light the world on fire in relief, Jon Gruden brought in veteran Jeff Garcia to compete for the starting job. He also traded for Jake Plummer, but the Snake would apparently rather stay retired than play for the Bucs. Can't blame him. Garcia is ancient, Simms injury plagued and Gradkowski just not that good. Gruden has been trying to revamp the offensive line, but its a work in progress at best, especially if LT acquisition Luke Petitgout misses serious time with his latest injury. RB Cadillac Williams simply vanished after his Rookie of the Year campaign in 2005. It's a problem when Joey Galloway is your best reciever and your former first round pick (Michael Clayton) is in danger of not even making the team. The once proud Bucs D is toast, as is former All-Pro DE Simeon Rice. It's not gonna be pretty in Tampa this year.


4. Atlanta Falcons (4-12)

Wow. Where to begin? I guess with the obvious-Ookie. It can be argued that Mike Vick was entering his last season as the Falcon's QB anyway. New coach Bobby Petrino is an offensive guru who designed the dynamic attack that helped vault the University of Louisville into college football's elite. I'm not sure Vick would have ever fit his system. Now that Vick is out for the year, Joey Harrington has the reigns. We know what he did in Detroit. We know that he was shaky at best for the Dolphins last year. There is little reason to expect any more from him in Atlanta this year, but I think Harrington will surprise some folks. He has a damn good running game behind him, a bunch of former # 1 picks at WR, and money TE Alge Crumpler. Reports out of camp indicate DE John Abraham is poised for a monster year, and the secondary is damn tough with DeAngelo Williams and draft steal Chris Houston holding down the corners. DB Jimy Williams is making the move to safety and should be an upgrade there. Overall, the Falcons D should be more than respectable this year. If the offense can score with any consistency, they'll be a tough team to play this year. Nevertheless, a playoff appearance is just too much to expect with all the Vick bullshit surrounding the team. Petrino will be keeping one eye on the 2008 draft and a possible reunification with his Louisville protege QB Brian Brohm.

Back at it

Ah, road trips. The one thing I've noticed about long drives is that it's always much, much worse on the return trip because you have a good idea of just how far you have to go. This weekend I drove from the D.C. area up just north of NYC.

It started raining on the NJ Turnpike (thanks New Jersey, you really need to make all of I-95 a toll road, no wonder everyone hates your stupid fucking state)...........so everyone decided to go 45mph. This is ingenious. Such actions will clearly avoid accidents, because dropping 30mph into traffic in the rain is just a great idea. IT'S WATER YOU MORONS. It's not ice. You can drive in it. I have unearthly shitty tires and I can do 70-75 in the rain just fine. To boot, a semi and pickup towing a U-Haul trailer paced each other side by side for a good 20 miles, going probably about 40...I was stuck not able to pass these assholes for at least 30 minutes. Made me wish I had a machine gun.

Related story, I've derived a few rules of the road from my various lengthy excursions across the greater Eastern half of this "awesome" country. Here are some that hold pretty fast no matter the occasion:

1) If you are stuck in slow moving or stopped traffic, you probably will have to take a piss.
2) The cruise control is not a convenient piece of automotive technology. It's a device consumed with ethereal forces and it acts as some kind of gigantic magnet which attracts the nearest dickhead wanting to go 10mph slower than you do to switch into lanes right in front of you.
3) Nobody has the slightest clue how to use on-ramps. THEY'RE TO GAIN SPEED YOU RETARDS. Do not go 35mph onto an expressway. If you do this you are a waste of flesh. If you do this I hope you're at least smart enough not to reproduce; at best you'll just kill yourself when you realize how unfathomably stupid you are.
4) Toll booth operators are never hot.

Amazingly, one of these rules was broken this weekend. No, it wasn't #3, because I almost ran this dumbass lady over who refused to even reasonably approach the speed limit using the on-ramp.

It was, to my surprise, #4. Yes, I said it: I would throw it in a girl who works at a toll booth. The Delaware bridge on I-95 had a hot toll booth operator...at 12:30am on a Monday morning no less. I swear to I'm not making this up. If I was making this up I'd say she gave me an HJ through the toll booth window, which would be no small feat given the dimensions of toll booth and compact car windows.

In other, completely unrelated news, the EPL season is officially under way. Sunderland bested Tottenham 1-0, which is hilarious given that Tottenham couldn't manage to find a goal with the strikers they've got employed.

Newcastle trounced Bolton 3-1 on the back of a pair of goals from Oba Martins, including an incredible overhead bicycle kick (did I not say this guy was awesome).

Martin Petrov and Bojinov both played excellent and Manchester City won 2-0.

Florent Malouda scored in his first EPL league game and Fernando Torres had a bunch of shots for Liverpool.

I don't like to toot my own horn all that often but I'm pretty sure I mentioned all these dudes a few posts back. God I'm good.

And LOL @ Man U...who tied 0-0 with Reading. And Rooney is out for 2 months. Better hope Tevez was worth it.

Monday Morning Dumpage

Ugh. Monday again. At least we had another great sports weekend to keep us distracted until football starts for real.

Nice comeback win for the Nats yesterday over the NL West leading D-Backs. Upcoming 6 game homestand against the Phillies and Mets will give the Nats a great chance to play spoiler in the NL East and Wild Card races and to get ready for their run for the division crown next year. Bring it, bitches.

Of course, Tiger rolled over everyone at Southern Hills and claimed his 13th major with a 2 stroke victory in the PGA Championship. The guy is a machine. Nice showings by Ernie Els and Woody Austin kept things pretty interesting all day.

The Centurion Boats at the Glen made for some great Sunday afternoon entertainment. An absolutely insane road race that saw Tony Stewart spin out halfway through the race, only to come back and snag the win after leader Jeff Gordon spun out out in pretty much the exact same spot with only a few laps to go. That gives smoke 3 wins in his last 4 races. Guy is going to be a serious factor in the Chase. Juan Pablo Montoya and Kevin Harvick have major beef after JPM was bumped from behind by Martin Truex, Jr., knocking him into Harvick and spinning them both out of the race. Harvick immediately blocked Montoya's car, jumped out and confronted him. A pussy-ish shoving matched ensued. Good times. NASCAR should take a page from hockey and just let these guys throw down. Who wouldn't tune in if there was a chance for huge car crashes AND brawls between pit crews?


That's all for now. Up later today: AK will talk soccer. I'll bullshit about the NFL. A virgin sacrifice will be made to Dan Marino.

Friday Morning Dump

Excellent win for DC United last night, as they topped Golden Balls and the LA Galaxy 1-0 in front of a packed house at RFK.

AK is our resident soccer expert, but I watched the game and thoroughly enjoyed it. Of course, Becks didn't come into the game until the 72nd minute, but when he did the crowd went nuts. His drawing power and star power in general is truly impressive. Watching his interview after the game, I can't help but like the guy. He's excited to be playing in the US, is appreciative of the support he's receiving here and seems like a good teammate. I for one, am glad he's here. If that makes me a lame soccer fan, so be it.

Nats got it done 3-1 in San Fran to break even for the series against the Giants. Bring on the D-Backs. Joel Hanrahan got it done again--the kid is legit.


And how about Rick Ankiel? The guy was doing his best Roy Hobbs impression last night, hitting a 3 run HR in his MLB return. If you dont remember, Ankiel was one of the best young arms in baseball a few years back. Then his arm went wild in the 2000 playoffs and his career was derailed. He turned himself from a pitcher into an outfielder, and was destroying Triple A this year (32 HR). Scott Spezio's trip to rehab opened the door for Ankiel to get called up to St. Louis, and he's already showing he belongs in the bigs. Great story. PGD is rooting for you, Rick.

Battle at Kruger

Slow sports day. Many of you have already seen this. If you haven't, it's well worth watching. Sometimes, nature is just fucking sweet.

Global warming sucks, but I need to run A/C because it sucks...WTF

Ugh. I'm sure there's a million people telling you that it's hot as balls outside, and a million more whining about it. But it really is insane. Just to humor/torture myself I pulled up a couple instances of Weather.com and queued up the DC and Miami 10 day forecasts. Miami has the more temperate forecast...and it's really not even close. They only touch the mid 90s once or twice and most of the days are in the mid 80s. DC is actually around 100 today and 90s most of the rest of the days.

W T F

I was outside for approximately 43 seconds yesterday trying to clean my lawnmower's spark plug. I came in dripping sweat with something like 8 mosquito bites on my ankles. I live in a semi-wooded area, and with this humidity, the mosquitoes were literally having like some kind of orgy. I saw a grouping of them that resembled ants on some random dead carcass. Never seen mosquitoes swarming like that. These bastards are a few doses of HGH away from making a low budget Sci-Fi Channel movie become horribly itchy science fact.

I also tried to go for a run outside last night. That was a pretty stupid idea. I'm not in the best shape...not by far, but my cardiovascular system at least has the memory of exercise and strain in the past few weeks. I barely made it 20 minutes before heading back. Checked the weather at 9:45pm...still 90 degrees with ridonkulous humidity.

Cannot fucking wait for fall to get here. CFB, NFL, futbol, baseball playoffs, reasonable weather. I really can't imagine how people lived prior to air conditioning and casual dress codes. Can you even fathom the idea of working in an un-airconditioned office wearing a suit and tie on a 99 degree day? I can, but that situation is followed immediately in sequence with a bullet through my temple.

I have a theory about BQ/Jamarcus. It's the same reason Matt Leinart held out: who in their right mind wants to play behind those offensive lines...as a rookie? If they hold out through training camp, they don't have enough reps to be thrown into the fire. Some other poor schmuck has to come in and get molested by Shawn Merriman. I don't think it's so much that they're holding out for money, they're holding out because of self preservation.

Wednesday Morning Dump

It was a big night at AT & T park last night. Felipe Lopez, Austin Kearns and Brian Schneider all homered to lead the Nats past the Giants 8-6.

That pushes the Nationals' record to 7-1 over their last 8 games. The only good thing about this Bonds hoopla is that people oustide of the DC area are finally getting to see the highly underrated Nationals in action. This is not the most talented team in MLB by any stretch of the imagination, but they play sound, tough baseball night in and night out. Manny Acta deserves serious consideration for Manager of the Year. A team that many people thought would be historically bad is on pace to finish in the top 10 in the NL in defense, and sure as hell won't finish far from .500. With a plethora of young arms, an excellent manager and franchise 3B Ryan Zimmerman close to becoming a major star, the Nationals are a lot closer to contending than people give them credit for.

Go Nats.

As far as Bonds goes? Whatever. We already said here at PGD that it doesn't matter all that much. Everyone hates him and A-Rod is going to break the record eventually anyway. So soak up the attention Barry. As far as anyone can tell, the reason you started juicing in the first place was because you were jealous of all the attention McGwire and Sosa got in 1998. If that is the main reason you chose the path you took, then that is truly unfortunate. You were a surefire Hall of Famer already at that point. Hope the record and current attention is worth all the shit you've gone through over the past few years. Not to mention the backne and enormous freak sized head.

In other news:

BQ ended his holdout, signing a 5 year deal worth up to $ 30 million with $7.75 million guaranteed. Basically, the asshole held out for $250,000. Fortunately, if Browns history has proven anything, its that their first round picks have a tendency to bust or get hurt. I can't decide if it would be better for Quinn to be a total bust on his own merit, or suffer a horrific leg injury. As long as one or the other happens, it's all good.

That's it for now. Bonds and Quinn. Shitty way to start the day, we know. It's too fucking hot here in DC to deal with anything else.

Enjoy reading all the ubiquitous Bonds coverage/reaction/bullshit. PGD is done talking about Bonds. Quinn won't be so lucky.

Tuesday Morning Dump: Brought to you by Brent Musburger...'s liver

Hey did you guys know Brady Quinn's sister is here and she's dating AJ Hawk and Tom Zbikowski is a boxer and hey Fouts what the fuck did you do with my beer?

If there's one college football announcer I hate, it's Brent. He's so full of himself and loves to kiss the ass of whatever big-time program that he's covering any given Saturday...but this is just awesome:


I love it. Brent appears to be absolutely blasted during this telecast and it's really not surprising that CBS let him go shortly after this telecast. I always had a feeling that Brent has been on air probably more times drunk than he has been sober. Remember when Lincoln police nailed him for bringing an open beer OUT of the Pitt/Nebraska game in 2005?

The best part is probably the fact that he sounds like he's calling a football game...but it's New Year's Eve coverage. I have no idea what he's trying to say right before the ball is dropped. Something about rain? Your guess is as good (bad) as mine.

If you double click on the YouTube video and go to the actual YT site, you'll discover that this was recorded on...a BetaMax. Quality. Apparently at least 1 person bought one of those things.

Paul Thompson Sighting

While the PT sighting itself wasn't surprising, the circumstances were: Playing QB for the Packers in a pre-season intrasquad scrimmage. For a guy that reportedly runs a legitimate 4.4, with size, why the hell is Thompson messing around with his SECOND best position in the NFL? Totally puzzling.

New Gillette Commercial

Talk about talent. I wonder how much Gillette forked over to get these 3 guys to do this?

EPL Players to Watch

Most major European soccer leagues either began their domestic competition this past weekend or are kicking if off this coming weekend. The biggest of them all, the English Premier League (Barclay's is insistent on calling it the BPL, but they're not paying me) kicks off this Saturday and Sunday.

There was a flurry of action this off-season and plenty of transfers to speak of. With that in mind I thought I'd offer up a look at some players to keep an eye on. Even a couple of the EPL doormats (so to speak) have made some moves in an effort to be more competitive and perhaps become this year's Portsmouth (P'mouth was around the top of the table for about half the season), if not pull a surprise and make a run similar to Sevilla's in Spain last year.

Obafemi Martins


Martins is one of my favorite players. Whenever he takes the field you can pretty much bank on him being the fastest player out there. Even though injured a good part of last season he still managed to score double digits in goals, and none more spectacular than his strike at about the 2:30 mark in the video above, which was perfectly placed at a blistering 86mph. If Michael Owen can successfully return from his own bout with injury, Newcastle is going to have a hell of a front line for defenders to contend with. Signing Onyewu and getting rid of Bramble in the back line should help out their miserable defense...look for Martins to be running by opponents all year long.

Martin Petrov

Petrov is a speedy winger coming to Manchester City from Spanish club Atletico Madrid. Petrov also had a spell with Barcelona as well as time in Germany. The reason I think he's someone to watch is mostly because new City manager Sven is adding some real pieces to a City side that was pretty lackluster this past season. If Petrov's fellow Bulgarian, striker Bojinov, manages to land at City look for some pretty interesting Manchester derbies this season. Manchester United won't just be able to walk over the improved City side.

Florent Malouda


Possibly Chelsea's biggest acquisition this off-season was French international and striker/winger Florent Malouda. He starred at French juggernaut Lyon this past season and also looked very much on form at the World Cup in Germany this past summer. He's already proven his stuff for the Blues in pre-season matches and should work well with Drogba and Shevchenko up front.

Fernando Torres


Here's the rundown:

1) He's Spanish
2) He's apparently good looking (though he does look a bit like one of the guys in those Cal Ripken insurance commercials)
3) He's really good at scoring goals
4) He has "Torres" tattooed on his arm...in Tolkien Elvish?

I'll let #4 pass because the appropriately nicknamed "El Nino" is a beast up front and is a MASSIVE upgrade over the (thankfully) departed Craig Bellamy for Liverpool.

Eduardo da Silva


Let's face it, nobody can replace Thierry Henry at Arsenal. Wenger went out and signed this Croatian/Brazilian striker da Silva. He looks like a quality finisher but it's yet to be seen if he'll be able to help the young Gunners stick to the top of the table or if they'll just be a "work in progress" yet again.

Pac Man needs a gimmick!

With the wonderful news of Pac Man Jones's signing with TNA Wrestling being confirmed, it is now time to face a very important question--what will his gimmick be?

TNA (Total Nonstop Action) Wrestling is a second rate outfit on Spike TV. It's not bad, but most of its wrestlers are WWE castoffs and rejects and the production values of TNA shows pale in comparison with those of the WWE.

It appears Pac Man WILL be wrestling. On the TNA website, former champion Jeff Jarrett says:

"Over the next couple of months, I think the world is going to see a different side of Pacman, one it hasn’t seen before,” Jarrett said. “You will really see his personality come out, not just his athletic ability. He’s very coachable in the ring and his athletic talent is amazing. He can watch something one time and pick it up. He’s just gifted. He’s the best all-around athlete I have ever seen.”

Awesome. I for one, cannot wait. He'll make his debut this Thursday and also be on hand for Sunday's highly anticipated "Hard Justice" Pay Per View event.

An important question remains, however. What will his gimmick/character be? I think Pac Man would do well to drop his 80's video game nickname and assume an entirely new persona:

The Rain Man.

Its Thursday night. You are drinking Beast Light and watching TNA, like always.
All of a sudden, the lights in the TNA arena go dim...Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls" starts cranking, and to the ring struts The Rain Man. Escorted by a posse of strippers, Jones pumps up the crowd before his match by "Making it Rain" all over his comely exotic dancer escorts. As they scramble to pick up the dollar bills, The Rain Man could invite women from the crowd to join his harem, surely infuriating the normally high class and reserved male fans that are TNA's trademark, and ensuring him legendary heel status.

As The Rain Man's loyal army of hookers/strippers/trailer MILFs grew, he would become an increasing threat and factor in TNA. The possibilities for ringside distraction by his girls are endless. He could also be given a posse of thug bodyguards who could shoot guys if they got out of line. It's going to be great. He's a hell of an athlete, and probably won't be that bad on the mic.

I can't think of a finishing move either. That will be key.

What am I leaving out? What would you have Pac Man's gimmick be? What about his intro music? These are important questions, people.

Monday Morning Dump

Well, it's Monday, which means the weekend is over. It also means that we are one week closer to football season. A fair trade, in my estimation.

It was actually a pretty awesome non-football season sports weekend.

Props to Tom Glavine on his 300th win. Tim Kirkjian puts the accomplishment into perspective well.

Also in baseball, Bonds hit #755 on Saturday. The guy who will eventually break Bonds's record hit his 500th too, in case you didn't hear.

Kurt Busch fought of Dale Jr. to win at Pocono. I for one can't wait until Jr. joins Hendrick motorsports and has a real team behind him. A lot of people have slammed ESPN's NASCAR coverage so far. I didn't think it was all that bad. Some of the shit talking going on over the radios they managed to snag was pretty funny stuff. I was baffled by the introduction of the NASCAR pre-race show on ESPN. It was some weird R & B/pop/Pussy Cat dolls rip off that seemed horribly out of place with what you picture your typical NASCAR fan enjoying.

Tiger absolutely dominated the Bridgestone Invitational on Sunday, hopefully shutting up Rory Sabbatini for good with an 8 stroke beat down of the field. His swing looked pretty damn good heading into the PGA next week.

DC United routed the NE Revolution 3-0 behind two Luciano Emilio goals--getting them three critical points in the standings and hopefully locking up a playoff spot. On another United note, Golden Balls himself will be making his MLS debut here in Washington on Thursday night.

Finally, a big shout out to the Washington Nationals. They just completed a 6-0 homestand, sweeping the shit out of the Reds and Cards. With solid starting pitching, a nasty bullpen and bats that are starting to come around, I don't think its out of the question for the Nats to make a run at .500 on the season. Pretty amazing considering they were derided as a 30 win team before the season started. This is a club that plays hard every night, rarely gets blown out and has a lot more potential than people give them credit for. Although he gets about 10 percent of the pub as David Wright, Ryan Zimmerman has put up very similar stats, and arguably plays a better third base. Sure, Wright steals more bases and has a better average right now, but few people in the league have been as clutch as Zim this season. Watch out for the Nats, people. Plenty of room on the bandwagon right now, but it's going to fill up fast.

Resident Racist 5: A game for the kids!

Before I start, this has nothing to do with sports. But it has everything to do with pissing me the fuck off due to all the ignorance and what I'm about to tell you should make you want to kill something.

As some of you may know, the video game developer Capcom has recently released a trailer for the next game in their surival/action-horror game franchise, Resident Evil (Biohazard as it's known in Japan). I assume most of you are fairly familiar with the content matter, as the game has also spawned two full length films with a third on the way. The 5th numbered game in the franchise is, easily enough, Resident Evil 5, which is due to be released in the near future on both Xbox 360 and PS3.

Capcom debuted a brand new trailer featuring cinematics and gameplay segments at a recent video game conference:



(alternatively, GameTrailers.com has it in glorious HD: http://www.gametrailers.com/player/22800.html)

Basically, every game in the series has gone something like this: people (Black, White, Asian, Latino, Hobbit, Pacific Islander, etc.) are infected with a virus and are mutated into zombies. They exhibit your standard zombie behavior: staggering around, growling, trying to eat brains, trying to eat you, listening to baroque music while trapped in a Jaguar...you know, the usual zombie shit. You have to kill them or avoid them or you die and lose the game. Pretty simple.

Now today I stumble across this absolute GEM of an article by Kim over at Black Looks. Here's the main excerpt:

The new Resident Evil video game depicts a white man in what appears to be Africa killing Black people. The Black people are supposed to be zombies and the white man’s job is to destroy them and save humanity. “I have a job to do and I’m gonna see it through.”

This is problematic on so many levels, including the depiction of Black people as inhuman savages, the killing of Black people by a white man in military clothing, and the fact that this video game is marketed to children and young adults. Start them young… fearing, hating, and destroying Black people.

No, Kim, your "worldly" perception and quick draw gunslinger application of the race card is what's wrong on so many levels. If racism is ignorance then I'm not sure we have a word to describe Kim here. Let's take a look at this...wait, before I start.

It's a fucking video game It's a fucking video game It's a fucking video game It's a fucking video game It's a fucking video game It's a fucking video game It's a fucking video game It's a fucking video game It's a fucking video game.

Ok, with that out of the way:

1) White man in Africa killing black people. OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT'S RACIST GENOCIDE! Nobody in Africa ever kills each other. Especially not in Somalia. Mogadishu is a historically war-free area, right? Amirite??//? The book "Black Hawk Down" was written about American soldiers fighting in Somalia. I've no doubt that some of these soldiers were black. The point is that the character in this game is AMERICAN...and another point is that if he was a Black American, Kim would likely take no issue with it. Bravo, just BRAVO on that line of reasoning.

2) "The Black people are supposed to be zombies". A fucking stunning revelation. Someone write this down. I'm sure after about fourteen Resident Evil games, two feature films, and a third film on the way that the whole zombie thing is just a ploy to exploit these Black people in a third world African country. Because I mean shit, those poor people really need another kick in the teeth...the whole living in a war-torn dirt poor disease-infested area of the world isn't enough. Capcom is going to fucking show them!

3) "I have a job to do and I'm gonna see it through". A line from the main character, Chris Redfield. This most definitely can be interpreted as "I'm soooo happy this private military rig contracted me for this job so I can kill Black people." Jumping to this conclusion given the initial quote is like Tony Hawk trying to jump the grand canyon on a skateboard...on a skateboard with 3 wheels and no ramp to elevate from.

4) The depiction of Black people acting like savages. Because zombies have historically been so civilized and normal, and never trying to eat everyone in site while mumbling incoherently. Oh and everyone in Mogadishu with those assault rifles wandering the street are just out for a stroll. No savage-like behavior in war-torn Africa, how could I forget? A white man in military clothing doing the killing. Ummm, ok? People of different races/ethnicities wearing military gear are always killing each other.

5) "the fact that this video game is marketed to children and young adults. Start them young… fearing, hating, and destroying Black people." NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I'm sorry if young kids want to play awesome, violent games but this just isn't true. And I'm sorry if some parents are so fucking horrible at parenting that their 7 year old is playing games like this and Grand Theft Auto, but this game IS ABSOLUTELY not intended for kids. To my knowledge none of the Resident Evil games have received anything but an M ("Mature", ages 17+) rating. Perhaps some of the GameBoy versions received a Teen rating, but still no kiddies.


Also, if anything, this game is teaching people to fear, hate, and destroy ZOMBIES. My heart goes out to the poor sucker who's gunning down 10 zombies in his front yard, kills 9 of the white ones, and the last one happens to be a black zombie...and our hero is too scared of being racist so he puts his gun down and allows #10 to eat him alive.

Kim at Black Looks is absolutely clueless of the situation and she's trying to speak to some point on which she has absolutely ZERO expertise and has performed absolutely ZERO research. For the record, Resident Evil 4 took place in Spain, and *gasp* had you killing Spanish zombies.

Race card declined. I'm selling A FUCKING CLUE and I only take hard cash (sorry no food stamps). Oh does that make me racist? Or does the fact that I can't wait to get this game and kill tons of zombies that happen to be Black make me racist? I'm so confused.

Remember folks, if you are attacked by a Black zombie, it's going to be a hate crime to kill it. Just shoot it in the knee a few times and maybe you can hope for 3-5 with early parole once the zombie infestation is taken care of.

Not only is Brady Quinn a massive douche, he's also an idiot

So, Calvin Johnson has signed with the Lions and Levi Brown with the Cardinals.

7th Floor Crew alum Jon Beason is still unsigned with the Panthers. Whatever.

Now that Johnson has signed, there is a good chance that JaMarcus Russell will soon come to terms with the Raiders. Even if he doesn't, the recent addition of Daunte Culpepper mitigates the damage. It's probably for the best that Russell isn't thrown to the Wolves right away anyhow. Let Daunte absorb the punishment behind that shitty ass O-Line for a while. Things with Russell will work out.

But Brady Quinn? Brady Quinn is living up to his potential as the biggest douche in pro sports. He was the dominant D-bag in college football for four years--and impressive career of collegiate douchebaggery to be sure. But he's taking to another level in the pros. To wit:

-the AJ Hawk wedding. Enough Said.
-Men's Health pictures. Uh...
-he showed up at the Browns spring camp and sucked big floppy donkey dick. No accuracy (the biggest knock on him coming into the league)
-decided to charge excited Browns fans $75 a pop for autographs. Major dick move.

-Now, he is holding out, totally butt hurt about the fact that the Browns stopped his humiliating draft slide at # 22--and want to pay his sorry ass at the 22 slot level. The horror! BQ (as we here at PGD so derisively call him) feels that he should have been top 10, so he should be paid top 10 money. Uh, no asshole, that's not how it works.

Charlie Frye and Derek Anderson are decent quarterbacks, but Quinn would have had a strong chance at starting from day one had he wiped the sand from his Vag and reported on time to camp, signed and ready to play. As his holdout drags on, the already shaky level of respect he had from his teammates is dropping by the minute.

I think there is a good chance he will have lost any chance he had to effectively lead that team this season by the time he get his dumbass in camp. It's a shame, too, because the Browns finally have a solid O-Line in place, along with some decent weapons. At this point, Quinn is not the steal of the draft some thought he would be. He's a huge bust. It's going to hurt Cleveland a lot of he ends up sucking as much as I think he well - and then the Cowboys snag Darren McFadden next year. Ouch.

So good luck, Browns fans. Most of you are good people. You certainly don't deserve this shit. I was pretty stunned when the Fins passed on BQ on draft day. Now, no matter how Tedd Ginn turns out, I'm thrilled they did so.

In short, fuck Brady Quinn--Shitty QB, legendary douche.

Why skateboarding is an extreme sport

Extremely dangerous, extremely painful, and extremely glorifying when you get up and walk away from this:



Props to Jake Brown. The guy who has to go after him probably just shit his pants.

Friday Morning Dump

The first weekend featuring football in way too long is damn close. It's about time. Some floaters for you to poke around at:

Looks like Mike Vick has a supporter in one Donovan McNabb. Eagles fans everywhere should want less talking and more practice from Donovan. By all acounts he has looked like shit so far in camp. Kevin Kolb, hilarious draft pick, is waiting in the wings. (Washington Post)


Is Lindsey Lohan's career already over? What happened to that wholesome girl from The Parent Trap? Dennis Quaid is very, very dissapointed in you, slut bag. (ew.com)


Brian May, the guitarist from Queen, is all set to get his PhD in Astronomy, 36 years after dropping out of school to join the band. Even after decades of touring, drugs and fighting off advances from Freddie Mercury (he had Aids), May never lost his passion for "zodiacal dust clouds." Nice.

The mighty Washington Nationals completed their 3 game sweep of the Reds with a 7-3 beatdown. Pre-Game Dump will be at RFK this weekend to witness the Nats put the final nail in the Cards' coffin.

I have a date

Well, technicially...let me explain.

I moved to the D.C. area around June 20th. Since then, I have added approximately 0 (read: exactly 0) single girl's phone numbers to my cell phone contacts. I did get one girl's number, and address, and home address, and e-mail. But don't get excited, she wanted the $25 from Bank of America for referring me and I needed to bring her info in.

Tonight, I have a date, who cannot resist me. Mainly because she cannot resist the "back" button of my web browser. I have a date with a girl named Ariane. She's probably about 28 and lives on the internet and was written in very shaky JavaScript....but I'm a sucker for damaged goods. Let's begin.

Here I just make a simple introduction. It's the only option, so I can't fuck it up.


Oh hey, I can say something funny. Let's click on that.

Of course.


Let's try this again. I'm going to say something totally hilarious, like usual.

I told a dick joke. It seems to have gone over well. Let's try a compliment.

Oh she wants to kiss but my mind is elsewhere...her gigantic cans to be specific. We'll play it safe and go for the kiss instead of a titty grab right off the bat.

I am a gentleman, that's what I'm always telling everyone. Thanks fake internet date! But...what the fuck? Sadly I am 5 years over 18 and this is kind of turning me on.

Now we're cooking. The half open lizard eyes are kind of off putting, but a dry spell is a dry spell and I need to break that shit off son.

She wants to dance. We'll go with Rock to start off, because I'm praying it's a Def Leppard song and she's going to strip.

She employs some dancing moves from 1962. I'm not impressed. And she's still wearing her top.

Agreed. Agreed. Agreed. Hungry? I feel my wallet shrinking.

Oh awesome, apparently we're having a brick of cocaine for dinner.

Fast forward. She drank a bunch of wine that I probably should have drugged and now has to take a piss. I'll wait in the hall and smell some clothes hanging in her closet.

But I'm not. I think I win. If only I could take a bra off without the girl's help.

At this point I left my laptop on the couch and went back to my bedroom to...ummm...make a phonecall. I later returned, much more reserved and calm, and hit the back button. I'll be damned if she's going to chug all the wine and leave me sober and blue balled.

I use the back button and try again.

I'm feeling pretty, um, "romantic" too after smashing on that magnum of wine.

Ariane is apparently stupid as hell. I suggested we get in the hot tub so she jumped in fully clothed.

YES! More importantly, I don't feel like messing with those knots. Take it off boo.

No, let's cuddle under the stars (NOTE: I actually really do like cuddling under the stars). Put 'em on the glass already.

WTF? What's with all these rules? Good diving form in any event.

Fast forward through some really boring and platonic swimming. I should have faked drowning to get some tongue during resuscitation.

I'm just going to take one guess where this is going.

NNNOOOOWWWHHHHHEEERRRRREEEE. As usual. Virtual reality indeed.

Well, I didn't get laid, but I did get a 7 out of 10, and little does she know that I finished the job myself all over her stupid boombox after she passed out. Good luck tuning FM stations, Ariane.

In other news, the Nats swept the Reds and good christ I'm kind of turned on from looking at these pics again.

ESPNU now on Cox Cable

I can't count how many times in the past I'd look at some ESPN listings online and see something awesome that I wanted to watch. Only to realize it was on ESPNU...which at that time was limited to satellite services. And largely still is...my hometown of Toledo can't get it on cable neither can my college zipcode in Dayton.

What was I to do? Many a weekday afternoon (ok, I was jobless for 2 of my final 4 semesters in school) was spent looking something like this:

Same hair color too.

Now, thanks to Cox, I've got ESPNU at my fingertips. Obscure college football games, AAU basketball, NCAA soccer playoffs, 24/7 Allison Stokke coverage...it's all mine.

ESPN still really sucks though. They are putting Mike & Mike on everything because they HAVE to.

Keep honking you prick

Ok, 2 quick things of note this morning before I get back to doing some actual work.

1) John Clayton reports Ron Turner is a genius. Ok, no, no, no. Turner is not a genius. All it really takes is common sense to realize that Devin Hester is a hell of an athlete and you should use him as much as possible. This sort of old-guard mentality in coaching is so pervasive through the ranks (from high school and up) that it's really mind boggling. To me it only seems LOGICAL that Hester should be used as more than a return man. You put your best athletes on the field as much as you can. Houston Nutt finally got it right...unfortunatley for him, McFadden was actually their best quarterback. I don't care if it's college or the NFL, you need to give your team every chance possible. I'm not entirely sure why this isn't driven into the heads of all aspiring coaches.

Do you know the only reason Ben Roethlisberger even played QB? Before the start of Findlay High School's season, the coach lined the team up. He took the tallest players and basically said "throw this thing". Ben ended up being the best combination of height and throwing ability. Big Ten schools embarrassingly passed him over, but needless to say he's done pretty well for himself.

2) On the drive into work this morning some asshole in a black van with government plates was behind me. So I'm coming up to this red light, and going to turn right. I slow down and stop before turning right to check traffic; like a normal, fully functioning person with decent blood pressure would do. While I'm making the stop and looking at traffic, a green turning arrow lights up. Obviously I didn't see this immediately as I was looking the other way, so this dumbfuck behind me absolutely lays on the horn as if I'd just driven backwards onto the expressway with my dick hanging out of the window or something.

I had half a mind to just sit there, but I was already late for work. People are so fucking clueless it makes me sick.

This reminds me of another related incident, back in Ohio. This light was sort of malfunctioning, so we'd ended up sitting for 2 cycles of red/yellow/green for the opposite direction before finally getting our own green. Needless to say, traffic had backed up behind me a bit. I'm a socially concious person. I realize people have shit to do and they don't want to sit in fucking traffic all day, so I try to drive with that in mind, and I want to hurry through this light so that people behind me can make it as well.

Our light turns green, the first 2 or 3 cars move, but these morons in front of me sit there for a good few seconds. I rev my engine a bit to politely urge them on. I see one look back in disgust. It appears to be a guy and his elderly mother (at least I hope he wasn't banging this hag). Finally they move, and proceed at about...um, MAYBE 6mph through this intersection. It's on at this point, I can't stand idiot drivers like this, so I hold in 1st gear revving loudly behind them as they crawl through the green (now yellow, after a whopping 3 cars had made it through) light. They aren't happy.

Now we're a few hundred yards past the light and they've decided to be cute and go 20mph until their left hand turn into some dogshit neighborhood. The guy, with his mom beside him, gives me the finger. Super classy, buddy. I'd had enough and downshifted and flew past them in the shoulder while they sat to make their turn, not missing them by more than a few inches.

I really wish they would have called the cops and sent them to my house just so I could tell the police what an asshat that lady and her son were.

I need a fucking gun.

Morning Dump

Happy Thursday, everyone. First of all, our thoughts and condolences go out to everyone in Minneapolis.

Barry Bonds still stuck at 754. At this point, it's getting a little out of hand. ESPN is cutting in live to every one of his at bats. It seems like they have been doing this for years now. He's gonna break the record. Great. Honestly, does it matter all that much? Most fans and pretty much everyone in the media hates the guy. He's an asshole, we get it. Isn't A-Rod going to break Bonds' record in a few years anyway?

Randy Moss got hurt at practice. Sweet! Dolphins fans rejoice. Let's just hope it's of the season ending variety. Nothing personal Randy, but fuck the Patriots. (cnnsi.com)


Other NFL stuff:

Vince Young got in a fight at practice and punched a guy in the helmet with his throwing hand. Genius.

Michael Strahan feels "betrayed" by the Giants. Get over it, Strahan. You are 35 years old and a huge injury risk. How you can expect a new contract at your age and diminshed skill level is beyond anyone with a shred of common sense. We know your wife is cleaning you out with the divorce, but that is not the Giants' fault. $ 4 million is more than fair for your sorry ass.

Daunte Culpepper is a Raider. As a life long Dolphins fan, its hard for me to comment objectively on this one. Of course we all had high hopes for Daunte last year--hopes that were ruthlessly crushed. I blame it on Saban for rushing Culpepper back from his knee injury. He just wasn't ready to come back and play behind a shitty O-Line. I'll admit that the Fins did not handle Daunte's release well either. No hard feelings, C-Pepp. You busted your ass rehabbing your mangled knee. That's all anyone could have asked for. I don't think you will enjoy your time behind the Raiders O-Line, since it's even worse than the Dolphins', but good luck.

Finally, it seems that the Russians are trying to stake a claim on the ocean floor below the North Pole. Assholes. You can put all the flags you want on the seabed, comrades. It doesn't mean the land/resources down there now belong to you. If you don't watch your shit, we are gonna send Jack Ryan to get all Hunt For Red October on your asses. You've been warned. (cnn.com)

Big Ten? Big Twelve? Big WTF.

With the arrival of the new Big Ten Network, the conference is once again bringing up the discussion about adding another school to the football conference. This creates some interesting questions, but unfortunately only a few half-solutions at best. There are limited options in where you get the team from, and a few criteria need to be met:

1) The additional team is Notre Dame. Done and done.

2) It makes reasonable sense geographically.

3) It’s a good school.

4) The school could realistically compete (at least by the standards of shitty Big Ten football teams) and has a good fan base for TV ratings.

Let’s consider the first point. This is the easiest and best solution. Even the most ardent Notre Dame haters (me) can agree to this. Tons of money, tons of fans, tons of tradition. Metrosexual quarterbacking doesn’t hurt ND in this situation.

Now for #2. I’ve seen some people suggest Eastern Carolina or something like Texas A&M. All other arguments aside, these schools aren’t close enough to the other Big Ten schools. Personally I think the biggest stretch would be Rutgers or Syracuse. Either of those are at least within nuclear bomb range of Penn State. MAC teams fit this consideration, and teams like Miami OH, Toledo, and Bowling Green are usually good enough to hang with and beat Big Ten bottom feeders.

The third consideration. I don’t know a ton about ECU but I’m just going to venture a guess that it doesn’t have the quality undergraduate program or the research facilities/graduate programs of a Michigan, Northwestern, or even Ohio State. In fact, if you’re not on this list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Association_of_american_universities or this one: http://www.carnegiefoundation.org/classifications/index.asp?key=63&search_flag=true&ref=748&start=782&basic2005=15&submit.x=40&submit.y=15&class_displaycount=10000&class_start=1 you’re probably not going to be considered by the Big Ten unless you’re Notre Dame or you’re a great geographical fit.

The fourth point from the list above. Okay, Johns Hopkins may fit both academic and geographic requirements but they’d obviously get demolished at the start, and who’s to say they’d ever get up to snuff with other D-1A schools?

Now there are two REALISTIC situations that could happen (sorry, Nebraska isn’t joining the Big Ten).

1) Draft a team from the Big East, throw a fuckton of money at them and leave it up to Big East people to decide how to fill the vacancy.

2) Draft a team from a lower conference that fits the last 3 considerations from above.

Stealing a Big East team

Syracuse – They’re on the first of the lists above but have been a remarkably horrible football team since McNabb left (and I don’t recall that they were anything spectacular with him). While they may have a lot of graduates and a big fanbase, I just don’t think it would work. Also, the Carrier Dome seems to be a total shithole. Hilariously, though sponsored by an air conditioning manufacturer, the CD isn’t air conditioned. As if Greg Robinson needs another reason to sweat it out on the sideline.

Pitt – This makes a lot of sense. Pitt makes both of the academic standard lists and is actually more geographically sensible than Penn State. They put out fairly competitive teams and have a nice, big main campus.

Rutgers – It came as a surprise to me that the de fact state university of New Jersey made the academic lists, but it did. Rutgers has been a pretty damn good team recently and it stands to reason that they probably have a ton of fans…somewhere. The NY/NJ area has a lot of football fans in general and Rutgers spits out a lot of alums. The questions here are whether or not they’d garner a big enough TV following and if they’re just too far out of the way.

Louisville – Geographically awesome, but doesn’t make either of the academic lists. Outstanding football program with lots of die hard fans and a nice stadium. Takes a bit of a hit because it’s a big commuter school and CFB Saturdays just don’t create much of an atmosphere on UL’s campus.

Cincinnati – Geographically awesome. Cincinnati is a gigantic metro area. However, normally shitty football team and not much interest in the program from the fans. Dark, craptacular stadium in “beautiful” Clifton in downtown Cincy.

Absorbing a team from a smaller conference

Toledo ­– I would say perfect geographic location, but Toledo is about 40 minutes (28 if you’ve got balls) from Ann Arbor. Cleveland sends a lot of kids to Toledo so there’s a good chance for displaced alums to tune in on TV. But honestly the Toledo area is about 50/50 between Michigan and Ohio State supporters. A 3^rd large conference team might be overkill. Good engineering school, good football team.

Bowling Green – Only about 20 minutes south of Toledo, so many of the same things apply. Lots of Cleveland people and lots of UM/OSU fans. A pretty good football team as of late.

Miami OH – Makes more sense than Cincinnati in my opinion. A better school, very small commuting student population. Vibrant on-campus life. They’re usually at least competitive in the MAC but have taken a dive since Big Ben left. Would draw TV ratings from the Cincinnati Metro area.

The I-75 corridor has some quality prospects but I just don’t think another team in that area is logical. It’d just be too many teams and would create needless “rivalries” when we already have the best rivalry in college football in this conference.

Out of those, my pick is Pitt. It just makes the most sense as far as location, academics, and football prowess. Natural geographic rivalry with Penn State, fairly close to Columbus.

But now another issue arises. Let’s ignore the MAC for now, but obviously the Big East would lose a school should Pitt or whoever accept the Big Ten’s invite.

Big East replacement

Villanova – A decent 1-AA team, produced Bryan Westbrook not too long ago. Good location and school. Not sure about stadium capacity and whatnot. They have to be better than Temple at the very least.

Georgetown – Imagine having to meet a dress code to be admitted to the stadium. Imagine people spending a Saturday afternoon on their sailboat catching the G’town game on DirecTV. Any opportunity to see Georgetown teams lose works for me.

Buffalo – Not going to lie, Buffalo is routinely one of the worst D-1A teams there is. But the MAC has tons of teams already so they probably wouldn’t be missed, and assuming the law of averages they can’t be terrible forever. And besides, the Big East has a team like TEMPLE, I think they can stomach the Bulls.

Any other shitty team - The Big East could just absorb another doormat like Temple that doesn't have to specifically be Buffalo or Nova. Whatever.

I don’t know, the Big Ten is fine to me, even with 11 teams. If they can’t add Notre Dame or Pitt, I say fuck it. Not worth it. I'm not that in love with conference championship games to begin with.